


I'm Thinking of Saying Goodbye

by fancyadancebrigadier



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Christmas Party, F/F, just some sad lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:48:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28547400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fancyadancebrigadier/pseuds/fancyadancebrigadier
Summary: Bell receives the polar opposite of a Christmas miracle
Relationships: Carol Bell/Liz Shaw
Kudos: 3
Collections: UNIT HQ Discord Fic and Art Challenge





	I'm Thinking of Saying Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the UNIT HQ Discord fic challenge.
> 
> Prompt 4: UNIT rare-pair

The distant bellowing of Christmas carols rung through the air, seemingly audible from every room in the building. Corporal Carol Bell thought leaving the UNIT mess hall would be an effective way of avoiding them, but it seemed no amount of distance could save her from a drunk Sergeant Benton’s warbling rendition of ‘Jingle Bells’.

She tried to enjoy these Christmas parties, she really did, but it was difficult to do so at the best of times. Too many drunken soldiers making passes at her, thinking the Christmas cheer would loosen up her usually stern demeanour. They couldn’t be more wrong because drunk or not, Bell couldn’t be less interested in men if she tried. It was easy to be a lesbian in the army – people paid less attention to what the girls got up to in their spare time, and nobody was about to mistake a ‘close female friendship’ for a romantic one. It just wasn’t done, according to most people.

But although her existence was a trifle easier for her than her fellow male military homosexuals, that didn’t mean her romantic interests didn’t cause her trouble. In fact, they were doing her head in that very night.

Carol Bell loved Elizabeth Shaw. It wasn’t a question anymore – she was past the point of pining and whining to herself, of trying to convince herself she just admired Liz because she was a competent woman in a sea of incompetent men. She’d been in love enough times to recognise it, and the thought of Liz made her heart pound just as much as all those other girls from her past.

Liz… With her quick wit, no-nonsense attitude, grit, and determination – she had everything Bell admired in a woman, and more. She could stand toe to toe with the Doctor and the Brigadier without flinching, save the world from alien invaders without a second thought, and do it all while looking so very, very sexy. Liz was the full package, brains and beauty, and Bell knew how much it bothered Liz to be praised for her looks so she kept the sentiment to herself – but that didn’t make it any less true.

Bell’s intention had always been to keep her feelings to herself. It was the safest option, after all, and Bell trusted herself not to let her feelings get in the way of her work. However, with a few glasses of the Brigadier’s very special brandy in her system, all that resolve flew out the window.

Consequences be damned – tonight she was going to tell Liz that she loved her. 

Forgetting about the carols, Bell started poking her head through every door she saw. She hadn’t seen Liz in the mess hall, so she could only conclude that she had to be somewhere less populated – the Doctor’s lab, perhaps? The Doctor himself had gone on a drive in that funny yellow car of his, so there was no chance of him being in the lab, making it the perfect place for Liz to hide away from the bawdy ‘fun’ of the rest of the party.

Ignoring the increasingly drunken feeling addling her brain, Bell made her way to the Doctor’s lab, and her heartbeat picked up when she saw the light filtering through underneath the door. Steeling herself, Bell strode towards the door and pulled it open.

Sure enough, there was Liz, sitting on one of the lab tables with her knees pulled up to her chest. Her hair was down, the ginger locks brushing her shoulders and shadowing her face, which looked drawn and worn out. An empty glass sat next to her feet, the dregs of her red wine pooling at the bottom. Her head shot up when Bell opened the door, but she soon relaxed when she saw who it was.

“Ah, Carol. It’s only you,” she said, her voice low with relief.

“That’s right – only me. Not enjoying the party?” Bell asked, shutting the door and leaning on it.

Liz shrugged. “I’ve never been one for parties. Call me a prude if you want, but that’s just how I am.”

“Oh, I’m just the same,” Bell replied, a nervous smile flittering onto her face. “So I don’t think you’re a prude.”

“Thanks.” Liz gave a humourless smile, then shuffled over onto the table. “Sit with me?”

More than happy to be closer to the woman of her dreams, Bell crossed the lab and hopped up onto the table, kicking her shoes off and sidling up beside her. “I hope I’m not taking up too much space.”

“Oh, no, you’re alright,” Liz said. She sounded far away, like her mind was on something else entirely. Bell assumed it was the wine.

Now that she was here, she had no idea how to tell Liz she was in love with her. Blurting it out would be the quick and easy method, but she felt like Liz deserved more than that. She wanted to make it special – but then that ran the risk of getting sorely humiliated by a rejection, and she was too drunk to face that without bursting into tears. If she eased into it, perhaps try to hold her hand before anything else, she might stand a chance – Liz could reject her if she wanted to, Bell wouldn’t get completely humiliated, and they could both brush it off as if it never happened. Yes, that was the right option.

But Liz started to speak before Bell could make her move. “Can I tell you something?”

Bell’s heart fluttered in her chest – she knew it was ridiculous, but it seemed as though Liz was about to confess her feelings first. No, she hadn’t had any great reason to suspect that Liz was in love with her as well, but perhaps she’d been hiding it just as she had. Perhaps Bell had been barking up the right tree after all. Composing herself, Bell nodded. “Of course.”

“I’m thinking of leaving soon.”

Oh. Well, that wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

“Leaving?” she asked, trying not to sound as upset as she felt.

Liz nodded. “Mhm. I just… I don’t like it here. I don’t know if I ever did, truth be told.”

“Really?”

“No.” Liz sighed and started to fiddle with the hem of her skirt. “Everyone here is so… overbearing. The Doctor, the Brigadier – I can’t hear myself think when they’re around. And they treat me like I’m just some useless lab assistant when I’m a hell of a lot more qualified to do the Doctor’s job than he is.” She took a deep breath. “Sorry. I probably sound ungrateful, don’t I?”

“You don’t sound ungrateful.” Bell was quick to reassure her. “I can see where you’re coming from.”

“Thank you.”

They sat in silence for a while, Bell mulling over what Liz has just told her. So, she was going to leave. No point in telling her she loved her, then – that would complicate things. Better Liz never know at all than feel guilty for leaving her behind.

“So, you hate it here?” Bell asked, her voice low.

“Oh, no. Hate’s a bit of a strong word. I just… It feels restricting. Don’t you feel that way too?”

“A bit,” Bell said with a shrug. “But you’ve got opportunities elsewhere, with all your Ph.D.’s and qualifications. This is all I’m good for.”

“Don’t say that.” When Bell looked up at Liz, there was a small, soft smile on her face. “You’re very good at what you do, Carol, and I bet there are a whole lot of other places that could use your talents. But you like it here, don’t you?”

Bell nodded. “It’s more exciting than any other job I’ve ever had. And I know you have your problems with the Brigadier, but he’s the only military man I’ve ever met that treats me like a soldier first and a woman second. Well, Sergeant Benton does that too, but you get the idea.”

Liz gave a small laugh. “I will miss him. And I think I’ll miss Alistair too, in my own way. He was very good to me where it counted – earlier complaints still standing, of course.”

“Alistair?” Bell had never heard Liz refer to the Brigadier by his first name before.

Liz blushed. “Sorry. Slip of the tongue. But, Carol, I’d be grateful if you didn’t mention this to anyone. I just want to slip out quietly, you know, when I feel the time is right.”

“Mhm.” But Bell was too distracted by Liz’s ‘slip of the tongue’ to take in what she was saying. There was only one reason why she’d call him by his first name while her guard was down.

“Thank you.”

“Mm.”

Looking at Bell with a curious glint in her eye, Liz tilted her head. “Are you alright?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, I’m fine. I’ll just… I’ll miss you. That’s all.”

“Oh, Carol…”

For a short moment, Liz laid her head on Bell’s shoulder. But Bell didn’t want to pay any attention to her – if she did, it would just make all of this hurt more than it already did. And it barely lasted two seconds anyway. Before long, Liz had hopped off the table and was scribbling something down on a nearby yellow note block. She tore the paper off and handed it to Bell.

“Here. My telephone number, so you won’t have to miss me.”

Bell took the paper and folded it into her pocket, smiling weakly. “Thanks. I’ll give you a ring some time.”

Liz was smiling, but there was a world of melancholy behind her eyes. She picked up her wine glass. “I think I might head back to the mess hall, get a bit more of this. Come with me?”

But Bell, knowing that spending any more time with Liz would just shatter her heart into pieces, shook her head.

“No, thank you. I think I’ll stay behind.”


End file.
